Kobe was never a replacement for Holly. I knew that from the moment I saw those two blue lines on the pregnancy test. This baby was different, to become his or her own person. All of this was true and yet it was also true that this baby will fill the void of emptiness in my arms. I longed to have a baby to hold.
Yesterday, Kobe received his school place for September. What I hadn't expected was for this to absolutely floor me. Holly would also have been going to school this year and really, this marks the moment that all my children have really surpassed anything that Holly would ever experience. For 3.5 years, I have held Kobe as my baby. I have told everyone that he is not ready for school (partly because he is an August baby and he feels young) but also because I am not ready to not have a baby. I hadn't realised how much having Kobe did soften the hole in my heart. The realisation that Holly will never experience school, is devasting. I have had friends reach this stage with their own babies who have died, and I hadn't realised the hurricane of emotions that came with this. Watching Kobe grow up with his character shining, only shows me that I have no idea who Holly is. I have no idea who she would have been. It was easier to imagine 'Holly the baby' as not being here. It is much harder to imagine 'Holly the 4-year-old' not being here. It is even harder to watch her younger brother go to school when this was so far beyond anything she would ever experience. In reality, I know I could have a thousand babies more and yet this part would still be excruciatingly painful. Simply, I do not want to move through this part. How do I accept that my youngest is growing up past the sister that came before him? It is both true that I want him to flourish and grow and yet keep him in my arms forever. I had fallen into the false sense of security of knowing what grief was. And yet, just like parenting living children, I am still learning as time goes on. Grief doesn't get easier, it lingers always and sometimes it still sits so heavy, unmoving and solid. Moving through this stage of loss feels the most difficult and that is why I have done this blog after so long of writing. I have always tried to raise awareness for the silence surround baby loss, and this feels like too important not to share. The stage at which your child should be going to school, is really difficult for bereaved parents and so I guess I want to give a gentle reminder to friends and families to be there for those who are going through this. It hurts and I am sorry to my friends, for not having recognised this before. I am so lucky to have Kobe and to be able to watch him running into school in September. I am so lucky to be able to watch him grow and I have so much love for him. Confusingly, running parallel is an absolute sadness in missing Holly and a thumping in my heart for this feeling so hard. Kobe is becoming, whilst Holly is not. It is yet another reminder of the labyrinth of grief and another reminder of the affinity between love and loss.
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Kobi Emrys BaoThe little soul who calms our grief. Archives
May 2018
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