I love looking at quotes. Anyone who follows me on instagram will see that my account is full of them. I find that quotes can explain how I am feeling when I can't quite say it myself. I guess they make me realise that I am not alone as other people must feel this way too. They bring me comfort.
I came across this quote randomly yesterday, 'You are our greatest adventure.' It made me think of Holly immediately. Little did she know the impact that she would have on the world. So many people know her and love her which brings me SO much comfort.
I think back to when I went travelling. Alone, at just turned 18 and in a hotel in Bangkok. I called my mum and cried, I called my then boyfriend, I spoke to my sister and I begged to come home. I was terrified of being by myself and exploring somewhere so alien to me. My family weren't going to give up on me easily though and in a way they forced me to stay. It turned out to be the most terrifying yet amazing, soul searching 10 weeks of my life. At the time I couldn't see it but it did turn out to be an amazing adventure.
I can't pretend that I will ever find Holly's adventure to be amazing. I can't say that I will ever find a positive out of this experience or acknowledge that 'things always happen for a reason.' I will ALWAYS wish that a healthy Holly was here over any other alternative given to me. I will never be able to justify what happened to her because it is simply, the greatest pain I have ever felt. But I wouldn't choose another baby over her. As painful as this is, I will never regret carrying and meeting my Holly. She has shared with me what it is to be brokenhearted but in turn she has shown me how much love I am capable of feeling. Holly has exposed my heart and opened my soul. I have changed and a piece of me has gone forever but I will never, ever, regret any of this.
I already knew that adventures were suppose to have some fear in them. Otherwise how would you grow from your experience? But I've learnt as much as they bring you fear, they also open you up and change your fundamental core. My adventure with Holly wasn't suppose to happen and that did scare me. My adventure with Holly will never be over and that did scare me too. But as much as she is gone, she is here. I've got her close in my heart and the feelings and emotions she brings, come and go just as much as the tides turns. I feel her ALL the time. Just because she isn't here, it doesn't mean our adventure is over. I know this is true because I'm learning more and more about my love for her every day and the change that she is bringing on my life is constant. This adventure is scary, it is soul breaking but it is also so full of love that how can I wish to not be on this ride? After all, if it wasn't this ride then it wouldn't be my Holly and I can't imagine a life now without her.
Holly Dao, you ARE my greatest adventure and I am SO glad that it is with you.
On the 7th September 2016 at 25 weeks gestation, Holly was born, still after a battle with complete heart block.