I was due to work a night shift on the day that we found out there was something wrong with Holly's heart. I made my husband phone into work as I didn't want to acknowledge that there was something wrong but I knew I wouldn't, couldn't, possibly go in that evening and care for other babies when I didn't know what was wrong with my own.
I didn't imagine that I wouldn't ever be going be back. I can only explain it like imagining there is someone who is terrified of heights but working as a pilot. Or someone who is terrified of dogs, becoming a dog walker. I was a midwife who became terrified of looking after pregnant women. My baby died but yet my whole job centered around caring for other women and their babies. I was lucky (bittersweet at it's best) to be entitled to maternity leave with Holly as she was born at 25 weeks and so I gladly took it all. Finding out I was then pregnant 3 months after her death lead to the maternity leave being run back to back. So I created a bubble. My safe place. Other than my children, no one else relied on me. If I wanted to stay in all week, then I did. I saw who I wanted, I wasn't forced to do anything or be anywhere that I didn't want to be. My filter for 'giving a shit' had been broken and quite frankly I listened to my grief and did what the hell I wanted. But always, in the back of my head was the nagging thought that 'this couldn't go on forever.' Some day soon I was going to have to make a decision regarding work and I knew it wouldn't be easy. I had worked bloody hard to get my midwifery degree. I had cleaned up blood, mopped up the sweat and shed my own fair share of tears but with a heavy heart (and a sigh of relief) I decided to not put myself through anymore. Losing Holly was and is bad enough without having to experience a daily reminder of what could and should have been. I have so much admiration for those midwives who have lost but yet go on to still work and I am by no means saying that my grief is any 'worse' than theirs, just an acknowledgment that everyone is different and I had acknowledged my own limit. So little by little my bubble was beginning to soften. I began thinking about new opportunities and slowly the thought of work became exciting. Supporting bereavement care within midwifery will always be of a top priority to me but I don't need to be a midwife to make this happen. In fact, I have realised that the way I can do this is best is to not be at war with the work itself and instead listen to my grieving heart. I took the next step, applied for a job and suddenly, (and just how my daughter was born) silently, the bubble popped. The protective world that I had built around myself popped gently and kindly as I realised that I can do this. There doesn't have to be a battle and it doesn't have to be scary. I had already experienced the worst, I could absolutely, 100% do this. I have been invited for an interview. Nothing may come of it or everything may come of it but what I have realised is that it is okay to start something new. It is exciting, it is fresh and it is what Holly would have wanted. A mummy who took her time, looked after herself and is now ready to face to world with a stronger head and a kinder heart. We've got this my little heart, we've got this. x
1 Comment
Emma
3/8/2018 09:40:11 pm
This is wonderful news and so exciting for you. Keeping everything crossed that the interview goes well even if it’s just as practice at being interviewed again. Can’t wait to hear more. Well done you strong independent woman on international womens day 👍xxx
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Holly DaoOn the 7th September 2016 at 25 weeks gestation, Holly was born, still after a battle with complete heart block. Archives
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