I think someone has taken my identity, can you help me get it back please? One day, I knew who I was. The following day I was lost and I still am. Everything that I thought I knew has changed, my eyes see things in a different light and my brain processes it all another way. I look in the mirror and the reflection staring back at me has altered. It IS still me but it also is not.
I knew who I was before this all happened. I was a mummy, a wife, a midwife and I knew what was happening next. I had plans, I had dreams and I had a path in which to follow. I am still a mummy but I don't know how to be a mummy when one of my daughters isn't here. I am still a wife but I don't know how to support my husband through this when I cant support myself. I am still a midwife but how can I go back to a job like that when every single day would be a constant reminder of what I have lost?
I knew what was suppose to happen next. Holly was suppose to happen next but not like this. I should be preparing for having a baby soon, packing my hospital bag and making plans for her arrival. I should still be joking that she will come on Christmas day and wondering what the labour would be like. I should be wondering if she would look like my first born, I shouldn't already know that she does.
Overnight it all changed. It changed when we heard of Holly's poorly heart, it changed when we had the news from our final scan, it changed when we made our decision and it changed the day she was born. Everything has changed. I felt so naive to the world before. I thought bad things only happened to 'other people.' Now my brain recognises that life can deal you a bad set of cards, at any point. I thought death was something to be feared but now my heart tells me its not scary and that when that day comes, I will meet my Holly again. I thought that it would hurt to lose a baby but I didn't realise it crushes your soul and steals who you are.
I don't know what happens next. I am struggling to know who I am and where I am going. Life seems to move without me really being actively involved. I change my hair, I get my nose pierced, it doesn't tell me who I am but I am just trying to feel something. People don't tell you that when you lose a baby you still feel an innate need to mother them. You still feel the need to parent them. So I buy her flowers, I light her candle, I talk to her and I write to her. I am trying to be her parent but I cant quite grasp this new identity, nothing feels enough.
So I carry on and I hope one day it comes to me. I hope I find some comfort in this new identity and I hope one day I find who I am.
On the 7th September 2016 at 25 weeks gestation, Holly was born, still after a battle with complete heart block.