Some days I just want to scream. I want to scream and tell people to wake the hell up. Do you know how lucky you are?
I want to scream at people to stop bitching about the NHS and maternity services. So what that you have to wait to be seen or wait to take your baby home? To BE seen. To take your BABY home. I would have given anything to take my baby home. Do you know how lucky you are?
I want to scream at people who tell me that things will be okay and that what happened with Holly won't happen again. How the hell do you know? Do you think that because the 20% odds of it happening again are in my favour that I should relax as surely it won't happen twice? You can't control what happens in the universe anymore than I can. Just because something awful happened it doesn't mean that I am then owed something good. Life doesn't work like that and I am tired of these empty promises and these positive thoughts. Positive thoughts don't do anything otherwise Holly would still be here. That's great for you if you don't understand what I mean and I truly mean that as it means you haven't felt this pain. Do you know how lucky you are to not understand this kind of pain or understand my constant fear?
I want to scream at people who take pregnancies for granted. I am happy for those who can just get pregnant and 'pop' babies out, I really am. I am happy that there are some who plan their conception purely based on what month they want their baby to be born and those who 'breeze' through pregnancy. I truly am happy but I just want to scream that IT IS NOT FAIR. If you are one of these lucky people then PLEASE dont be naive, make the most of our maternity services. Don't decline scans, self discharge because of waiting times or refuse to make use of maternity services for fear of medical intervention, it is DUMB. It does not make you a 'big' person, it does not make you clever and it does not make you a super mother. Do you know how lucky you are to have these services available in the first place? God forbid you ever end up with a pushing out your deceased child but sods law, it won't happen to you will it?
I want to scream at these utterly ridiculous arguments and belittling with regards to breastfeeding vs bottle feeding and sling wearing being best for baby etc. Who the hell cares? Just get on and be a mother to your baby. Do you know how lucky you are that you even have a baby to mother in the first place?
I want to scream as those who think they know how I should be grieving. It is my grief and nobody else's. I will do what I want and when I want. My grief is normal. If you are sick of hearing about Holly or think she isn't worthy of me being sad then please do me a favour and delete me off of your social media. Do you know how lucky you are to not understand why I do what I do?
I want to scream at everybody for just being able to carry on. For those being excited about Christmas, for those making plans and doing seemingly normal things like going out for a drink with friends. I hate the thought of Christmas, I don't feel able to make any plans and simple things are now monumentally hard for me. A lady I know was purposely avoiding me at babygroup the other week. I became one of those people to be avoided because people don't know what to say to me. It is hard enough with what I am dealing with, without others acting different around me. Do you know how lucky you are to be the person avoiding someone or be the person to struggle to find the right words rather than the person to be avoided?
I don't want people to understand this pain because then it means that you understand it all too well and I truly do appreciate people's support, despite how this blog may sound. But sometimes I can't help but be angry. People are so god damn lucky and they don't even know it. There is so much, SO much to be appreciated but yet it hardly ever is.
I am utterly exhausted, I am bitter and I am angry. I am beyond trying to sympathise with other people right now. I am self absorbed in my grief for Holly and you know what? I don't care. I know how lucky I am for my eldest daughter and I know how lucky I am to have met my youngest daughter, despite the pain that has followed. I know what matters. I know where my luck and appreciation is placed.
Do you know how lucky you are?
On the 7th September 2016 at 25 weeks gestation, Holly was born, still after a battle with complete heart block.