10

September 7th 2016.
It has been nearly 10 years.
I have learnt a lot about my grief over these years. I have learnt to be kind to myself when it feels heavy and to embrace life when it is lighter. I have learnt how it changes, depending on the season. I have seen it change shape, shift between being all encompassing to almost weightless. Yet, it continues to alter, always.
And now?
I see 10 years approaching and it doesn't feel real. Whilst my heart isn't as continuously heavy, the grief of 10 has stormed in and caused unrelenting waves.  
In the early years of me missing you, it felt easier to imagine the baby you would have been, the things we would have done together. But that is harder now. I watch your big sister, 11 years old, the things she likes changes all the time, her independence has grown, her friendships have changed and slowly I am losing being sure of what she needs. She needs me less and so would you, only, I feel like I never really had you in the first place.  
What would you be like? I truly don't know any more. 

I started this blog shortly after you died and it provided the much needed platform for my grief. Slowly my grief changed and with it, so did my ways of coping. Blogs became shorter posts on Instagram instead. Sometimes I wanted to write but I wasn't sure that I could any more. I didn't know if sharing my grief was still relevant and I became self conscious. 

A few months ago an email came through that someone commented on Holly's Legacy. I logged on and saw that people still access this space - that meant something. Whilst this isn't necessarily a blog revival it felt right time to post this because, well, 10 years is important to me. 10 years aches like I saw you yesterday and yet I know this to be okay. Yes, grief changes over time, yes, it feels less raw everyday but it can still hit hard and grief 10 years later? It still matters. 

To my kind and compassionate baby loss community who quite literally saved me 10 years ago, if you are reading this, then I see you still. If you are new here, then I see you. 

To my darling Holly, my mermaid, my dancing girl, my little heart -  I miss you. I love you. I wish I had known you. Thank you for choosing me to be your mummy, 10 years ago x

We keep riding the wave, baby girl.